my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize