By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Randomize
