Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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