I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
