Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
