Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
