Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think people are normalizing furries
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize