There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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