At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
