Betty ford says i'm here all night
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
