I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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