People with herpes should wear stickers.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
