Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
