Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
