The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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