Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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