wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
