Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
