I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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