they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It all started with a game of naked twister.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
