That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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