porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Randomize