i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
