Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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