i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
