Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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