if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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