So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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