Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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