I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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