Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
