Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
