Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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