I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We have so much sex to catch up on
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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