im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
