Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
