You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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