I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
