My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
