rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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