I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
