Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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