I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
