so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
