you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
