Im at strip club and am horny
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
