hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
