Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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