i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
