You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
