apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
