so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize