I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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