Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
