Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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