were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
