Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
